Everything happens for a Reason

I have thought long and hard about this post and finally decided that I want to share it. This is more like a journal entry for myself and it is not for pity, but merely to share some more thoughts.

Right around my very first Dr appointment with this baby, The company I work for changed their Health Insurance Policy. We switched over to an HSA (Health Savings Account). Not fully understanding how this new policy worked, even after going to the meeting about it, I decided that from here on out I would record everything - Every amount I paid at every Dr appointment, every conversation I had with our Health Insurance Agent, Everything they did at every appointment, etc. Just so that when we started getting the major bills I knew what everything was for and what I have already paid. Anyway, you get the idea.

Halfway into the pregnancy we found out there was a chance that our son could have Down Syndrome. It was a small chance, but for anyone that is a parent I think can understand that to us it was now a 50% chance. We weren't trying to automatically assume right off the bat that he would be, but we knew that we had to prepare.

At that time, I stopped recording any of my appointments. I didn't not love this baby by any means in the least. I just knew that if I starting writing anything down I would have to acknowledge the information we had just learned and I was scared to do it. I don't like showing emotion, especially if it is sad emotion, and I didn't want sympathy. I have since gone back and tried to recapture everything I missed at the given opportunity and write it all down. I realized at that point that this journal was never meant to be a financial statement for my husband and I to have for the new "Health Insurance Plan", but the start of our sons life.

I don't think I have ever prayed harder in my entire life. The interesting thing about it is that I was never praying for a "normal' baby. I knew he was healthy - they checked every single one of his organs at each ultra sound after that and they were all functioning perfect. I knew he was healthy. Both Daniel and I prayed that we could be better parents. We prayed that we would be able to guide and rear our children more patiently. We prayed for us.

An extremely overwhelming thought that brings tears to my eyes when I think about children that come to this earth with disabilities. They are perfect spirits. They just needed to come to earth to get a body. I have thought over and over - How am I supposed to be a mother to a perfect spirit?

Our Dr. told us not long after finding this information out that we could do what is called an amniocentesis - A test where they stick a long needle right into my stomach to get a sample of the amniotic fluid. This test is pretty much 100% and would tell us for sure if he had Down Syndrome or not. This test also came with a 1% chance of miscarriage. I can tell you that Daniel and I didn't even have to discuss this option. We told the Dr. right then that it wasn't even an option for us to have that test done. The 1% chance of losing this baby wasn't worth it. The results wouldn't change how we feel about him.

Since baby brother (the name is still up for debate :)) has not joined our family yet, we still don't know the outcome of his being. Talk about patience. I just know there have been some questions regarding the concerns about him and I didn't want to keep it a secret. We are definitely not ashamed - just scared. He is very much a part of our family already - we just can't wait to hold him and kiss his little face.